Dear Carolyn: I always knew my sister was my dads favorite. He always made time to show up at her cheerleading competitions but never to my soccer games. Not once. Then there were the daddy-daughter dances at our high school. My sister and dad loved them so much, and I couldnt wait until it was my turn. My dad travels almost every weekend for work, so the fact that hed stay home and go to the dances was really important. When my turn came, my dad didnt decline weekend work for me, not even my senior year, after he promised hed make it.
I know it sounds stupid but that really broke my heart. At my sisters wedding my dad gave a toast about how she was his special little girl who he loved so much that he actually turned down work to go to dances with her. I had to force myself not to cry.
Now Im getting married and theres no way I want him walking me down the aisle, having a special dance with me or giving a toast. I told my mom so she could be the one to tell him and she is begging me to reconsider, saying Im being petty and making a spectacle of myself.
Am I? I just cant see letting him take that role just so people wont talk and he wont feel bad. He never cared if I felt bad. My fiance and I just want it to be a happy day for us and were paying for it all ourselves, unlike my sister. Since, of course, now that theyre closer to retirement, they have no money for my wedding like they did for hers.
Whatever. Im not asking someone else to fill in for him, just eliminating those things entirely. Should I follow through with our plan? The Unfavorite
The Unfavorite: Oh gosh yes. Do your wedding however you want.
Your mother said youre being petty, and making a spectacle of myself?
Not only is that appalling in its own right, but it is also world-class enabling of the emotional abuse your father dumped on you on her watch for your entire childhood.
She can scold you but couldnt tell your dad it was unacceptable to skip all of his other daughters dances? She couldnt call his attention to the missed soccer games and countless smaller slights? His cruel and selfish choices are obvious; hers are insidious.
Here are things I wish for you with my whole heart:
1. The strength to tell your dad yourself that you wont be doing the traditional father-daughter stuff at your wedding. The kinder and calmer you can be in your delivery, the more devastating the message will be of what his choices have cost.
2. A beautiful wedding, as you envision it and true to your heart;
3. A long, loving, supportive marriage to someone who values you for who you are;
4. A gifted and compassionate therapist for you to call upon when the weight of your family history feels heavier than you can manage;
5. A get-out-of-guilt-free card for any distance you need from your family hereafter.
